Divorce

When Your Children Need Extra Support

: Image by drurydrama (Len Radin) via Flickr

For many children, the negative effects of their parent’s divorce are short lived. The anger, fear, and confusion fade with time and the kids grow into healthy adults with loving families of their own. But sometimes, the upheaval of divorce leaves the children feeling powerless and frightened and the feelings follow them into adulthood.

Kids have the amazing ability to observe the world around them, so no matter how hard you’ve tried to keep the pain of your dissolving marriage from your children, they know something is wrong. In extreme cases, the kids take the pain of divorce and internalize the trauma. They may become depressed or destructive. They may feel responsible for the breakdown of your family. That’s a lot of guilt and pressure for an adult, much less a child. And as a parent, this is the last thing you intended for your children.

If you find your children are not able to move past the divorce. When you’ve done all you can to help your children cope and thrive, it may be time for you to seek the help of a support group.

There are several children’s support groups available through civic centers, religious organizations, and medical communities. Support groups for children are led by adults familiar with the pain of divorce they may be children of divorce or parents who have experienced and learned from their children’s reaction to divorce. Support groups aren’t meant to replace your love, but they will provide your children with additional support and guidance.

Support groups provide children with numerous options for self expression journaling, painting, role play. They also give children an opportunity to connect with other children, who are dealing with similar situations. The benefits of children’s support groups are numerous, and the results are life-long. Find support groups in your area by asking for recommendations from your child’s pediatrician, the local school district, or county social service agencies.

Filed Under: General Law & Legal Tagged With: Child, Divorce, Support group

Recover from Divorce – Part 1

Perhaps you have been waiting anxiously for your divorce to finalize. Or maybe you found yourself surprised with divorce papers. Whatever your situation, you can expect to experience a variety of emotions from elation to complete, utter exasperation. To help you cope with this life changing event, consider the first 3 stages of divorce recovery, and know that whatever you’re feeling it’s normal.

You Can’t Believe This is Happening

In stage 1, you are in complete shock. If this was a decision thrust upon you then you are confused and wondering what in the world went wrong. You may be second guessing yourself, and feeling that you are responsible. If you initiated the divorce, then you may be trying to figure out if you made the right decision.

You Can’t Believe It Happened and Now You are Numb

The effects of stage 2 involve stage 1 feelings, coupled with a sense of detachment. You are trying to distance yourself from bad memories, hurt feelings, and fear of the future. Whatever it is, you don’t want to deal with it, so you pack it away until you can better understand your situation.

It’s Out of Control

At this point you are dealing with so many options you feel like a human pin ball. Emotionally you are reliving every good and bad moment of your marriage. Financially you are adjusting to a single income and wondering if you can handle the responsibility. Personally you are dealing with well meaning friends and family, who always want to know if you are okay. And you are so focused on your kid’s happiness that you’ve forgotten to take care of yourself.

The first three stage of divorce are crazy. Maybe you see yourself in all the scenarios. Perhaps one or two really call out to you. Whatever your situation, just know it will get better. Stage 4 through 6 are when you start find your balance and take control of your life.

Filed Under: General Law & Legal Tagged With: Divorce, Marriage, Relationships

Recover from Divorce – Part 2

Divorce is not only a legal process; it’s an emotional one. You have worked through the first emotional stages, and now it’s time to discover what comes next.

You Can Fix This

You have considered all the problems and convinced yourself that you can make it better. No matter the problem, no matter who is responsible you feel that a little hard work can put it all right. Perhaps you are willing to make unreasonable compromises, or maybe you are willing to shoulder all the blame of your failed marriage. These reactions may seem noble, but taking the martyr role in your marriage can only lead to continued pain and heartache. Recognize that you want more than anything to make your family whole again, but also recognize that sometimes divorce is the best solution to a bad situation.

Just Say Goodbye

At this stage you have come to terms with the divorce and are ready to let go. You have held on to the good memories, packed away the bad, and decided it’s time to build a new life. You are content with the decision, and your calm nature will positively influence your children. Now, your thoughts are focused on finding happiness now, instead of wondering what went wrong in the past. You have made it over the big divorce hurdles. Get ready to coast into the next and better stage of your life.

Ready. Set. Go Forward with Your Life

This is the best part. This is the part where you get to pave your own way, chose your destiny, and make it happen. You have learned from past mistakes, taken note of good decisions, and implemented a new life plan. When you hit this point you are ready to pursue education, look at different career paths, and find a new hobby. The possibility of love again shines bright in the future, and you know life is good.

Filed Under: General Law & Legal Tagged With: Divorce, Marriage, Relationships

Agreeing to Disagree: Mediation for Divorcing Couples

If you and your soon-to-be ex spouse can’t agree on every element of your divorce, consider using the services of a mediator before deciding to take each other to court. Mediation is an affordable alternative to hiring lawyers and filing costly paperwork. Mediators are impartial third parties who listen to you and your spouse’s concerns. If you and your spouse are unable to arrive at a decision, the mediator will consider all the options and arrive at a decision that is the best solution to a bad situation. According to the mediation agreement, the judge takes into consideration all mediator recommendations. So, if you think a mediator is going to be easy to manipulate or that a mediator’s decision won’t ever be heard by a judge well, you’d be wrong.

But mediation isn’t about hiring someone to make decisions for you. A mediator’s goal is to help you and your estranged spouse decide on amicable solutions. Aside from keeping your divorce out of the courtroom, mediation gives you the opportunity to re-open communication with your ex husband or wife. And learning to listen and cooperate now will assist you later, when you and your ex need to make decisions regarding your children.

You may be wondering what types of decisions mediators will help you deal with. Depending on the mediator’s specialties, decisions regarding assets, division of property, custody arrangements, visitation, and child support can all be brought before a mediator. With mediation, you are expected to attend every appointment. If the court has mandated you to attend mediation, you are required to keep all appointments or inform the mediator of your need to reschedule. In some states, missing a court ordered mediation appointment could result in fines, and it doesn’t look good to a judge.

If you are attending court ordered mediation, or you have volunteered for mediation keep in mind mediator’s are here to keep you and your family in the best situation possible.

Filed Under: General Law & Legal Tagged With: Child support, Divorce, Mediation

Be Informed about Mediation

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Either you’ve decide that mediation is the best option for you, or perhaps the court has ordered you to use mediation to solve your divorce conflicts. Whatever your situation is, the goal of mediation is to find an agreeable solution to every point of conflict. If you and your estranged spouse are unable to arrive at a solution, the mediator will make his/her recommendations to the court. Because your mediators may be in a position to influence a Judge’s decision regarding custody, child support, or visitation rights, you need to find the best mediator possible.

Like lawyers, mediators have specific training and qualifications. So, it’s important to know what a mediator’s area of expertise is before you hire him/her. If the Court has ordered you to attend mediation, you may have the choice of hiring a personal mediator. The mediator you choose must be experienced with family mediation. A mediator specializing in family mediation issues is preferable.

When you are required to participate in mediation, you may have the option of choosing a private mediator. However, be aware that the Court may specifically appoint a mediator for your case. A court appointed mediator will have specific experience in family law and the issues associated with divorce. Usually, a court appointed mediator is limited to issues specified by the judge and will not assist with other conflicts. So, if the Court has ordered you to solve your visitation conflict through court appointed meditation, the mediator will not help you decide on property issues or child support conflicts.

If you are choosing a private mediator, it’s important to find out if their expertise is in family law issues. Do they have special training in divorce mediation, and do they belong to any professional organizations. You’ll also want to know how long the mediator has been mediating family court issues, and if they have any references. Lastly, their mediation fees and payment options must be agreeable to you.

Filed Under: General Law & Legal Tagged With: Dispute resolution, Divorce, Mediation

Reasons to Hire a Private Mediator

Bringing a third party into your divorce proceedings isn’t an ideal situation, but sometimes it’s the most responsible decision. Mediation isn’t designed to solve your problems. Its focus is on helping you and your estranged spouse come to an agreement on the outcome of your divorce proceedings. However, mediation isn’t suitable for all couples. Unless the Judge had mandated you to mediation, you can decide if a private mediator can help you muddle through the conflict. To help you figure out if mediation is a good fit for you, consider the following reasons.

You Want to Avoid Adversarial Litigation

No one ever thinks the divorce process will be fun and games. And wouldn’t it be in everyone’s best interest to settle your divorce with as little animosity and hostility as possible? Adversarial litigation is about the battle. If you want to avoid the battle, then mediation may be a better option.

You are Concerned that Constant Battling is Affecting Your Children

Perhaps you’ve noticed your children are becoming increasingly withdrawn and solitary. Or perhaps the opposite is happening – hostility and resentfulness. In either case, the arguing, screaming, aggression you and your estranged spouse are engaged in could be the reason behind their behavior. If this is the case, mediation may help you reach divorce solutions with less battling and more cooperation.

You Can’t Afford to Hire an Attorney to Handle Everything

Hiring a lawyer to handle your divorce from beginning to end is financially impossible for some people. Hire a mediator to assist with the decision making process, and hire a lawyer to look over the final recommendations.

Mediation is an excellent alternative to adversarial litigation. However, mediation works best when you and your estranged spouse agree that you need help, and you are both willing to communicate. Agreeing on these two points will make your divorce mediation a successful process.

Filed Under: General Law & Legal Tagged With: Dispute resolution, Divorce, Mediation

Divorce Your Spouse, Not Your Children

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In the chaos and turmoil of divorce, it’s easy to lose focus on your priorities. But if you are like the majority of divorced parents you don’t want your children to hurt or suffer in any way. To keep your kids safe, remember the following:

-Don’t argue in front of the children. Kids don’t need to hear about the ugly details of your divorce. And they don’t want to hear the two people they love the most arguing with each other.

-Love your children without conditions. Don’t make your children feel guilty if they still love their mother or father. Remember, you did too at one time.

-Don’t expect your children to become the family mediator. Asking them to deliver messages, spy, or report on the other parent’s social life and behavior is unacceptable.

-Your children are your children, not your therapist. Don’t use your children as a sounding board for all your disappointment and anger. If you need someone to talk to seek out a support group.

-Don’t expect ask your children to decide who they will live with, spend holidays with, vacation with, or spend their birthday with. It is impossible for children to choose between parents.

-Establish and maintain a schedule for your children. If your children are expected to be at their mother’s house on Friday, then stick to the schedule. In times of upheaval, last minute changes are disruptive to your children’s lives.

-Your kids will be angry, sad, disappointed, and hurt. Let your children express themselves, and understand the divorce hurt them too.

-Don’t make your children worry about finances. If you pay child support, make the payments on time and with no complaint. If you receive child support don’t complain to your children about the amount, and make sure the money is used for the children and their needs.

-Let your children love all members of the family- including new a new step parent.

Filed Under: General Law & Legal Tagged With: Child, Child support, Divorce

Take Care of Business before Your Divorce

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When you decide it’s time to move one from your marriage it would be convenient just to pack up and leave. But the truth is your divorce will be much more complicated that just finding a new place to live. Divorce is a complicated process of court documents, financial papers, and housing arrangements. Get your affairs in order now, for a smoother divorce process later.

The amount of paperwork necessary to file for divorce can seem overwhelming. Nevertheless, it will need to be filled out and filed. Because you don’t want to be searching for important documents in the midst of a chaotic divorce process, start gathering your documents now.

Documents or information you will need to provide include mortgage records, payroll stubs, bank statements for all checking and savings account, and retirement statements. You should also record account numbers for credit cards and car loans. You will also need to find your tax returns and any deeds or trusts you are responsible for. If possible make copies of all these documents and keep them for your personal records.

Look at your debts and earnings to establish your financial future. Ensure that you can support yourself by determining what you can afford. Develop a budget according to your financial situation and be prepared to live by it. If your finances only allow you to rent a 1 bedroom apartment, then plan to rent within those restrictions. Divorce is not the right time to start living a lavish lifestyle.

Part of keeping your finances clean is attending to any credit issues. Get copies of your credit report and keep track of all purchases. Start paying down your credit card debt, and raise your credit score while still married. A higher credit score will help you rent an apartment, qualify for a home loan, or purchase an automobile.

Divorce proceedings can be a chaotic experience, plan for the chaos by preparing all your documents now.

Filed Under: General Law & Legal Tagged With: Credit card, Credit history, Divorce

Help Your Child Cope with Divorce

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At this time, you have just completed one of the toughest conversations you will have with your child – you have told him/her of your definite decision to leave your marriage and seek a divorce. If you did it the right way, you and your spouse sat down with your child and explained to them why this is happening and what to expect in the immediate future. You heaped him/her with love, listened patiently to his/her concerns, and made positive assurances that you will always love and support them.

Now, you might be thinking your child understands what happened, and is ready to move on. Unfortunately, this is not the situation for many children. Instead, you may find your child misbehaving at home or in school. He/she may refuse to cooperate or openly defy your instructions. A child upset about divorce may believe his/her negative behavior will bring parents back together. If you are focused on getting your child out of trouble, then you may forget about divorcing.

In situations such as this, your role is to be a supportive, reassuring presence in your child’s life. Explain to your children that you are leaving the marriage, but you are not leaving them. Continue to be an active presence in their life, even if it seems they do not want you to be there. Respond to negative behavior firmly, but don’t allow negative behavior become an act of attention seeking. Therefore, it’s a good move to reward positive actions with lots of praise, while you give brief, disciplinary attention to negative behavior

To help your child move through these issues, it’s important to understand why the behavior is happening and that your children are merely reacting to a bad situation. Remember, at this point you]ve had time to work through your feeling, express your anger, and cry over your disappointment – now, it is their turn.

Filed Under: General Law & Legal Tagged With: Behavior, Divorce, Parent